GBates
04-24-2003, 07:28 PM
Consider the true story of a woman in Linthicum, Md., who decided to
tile her kitchen floor, as reported in an excellent front-page newspaper
article written by Eric Collins for the Sept. 26 issue of the Annapolis,
Md., Capital. According to this article, the woman, who wanted to be
identified only as “Anne” for reasons that will become clear, decided to
surprise her fiancé by tiling her kitchen floor herself, thus saving the $700
a so-called “expert” would have charged for the job.
Step One, of course, was for Anne to spread powerful glue on the floor,
so the tiles would be bonded firmly in place. Anne then proceeded to
Step Two, which—as you have probably already guessed—was to slip
and fall face-first into the glue coat she created in Step One, thus
bonding herself to the floor like a gum wad on a hot sidewalk.
Fortunately, Anne was not alone. Also in the house, thank goodness, was
one of the most useful companions a person can ever hope to have: a
small dog. Specifically, it was a Yorkshire Terrier, a breed originally
developed in England to serve as makeup applicators. A full-grown
”Yorkie” is about the size of a standard walnut, although it has more
hair and a smaller brain.
Anne’s dog—named Cleopatra—saw that her owner was in trouble, so
she immediately ran outside and summoned a police officer.
Ha ha! No, seriously, Cleopatra did what all dogs do when their owners
are in trouble: lick the owner’s face. Dogs believe this is the correct
response to every emergency. If Lassie had been a real dog, when little
Timmy was sinking in the quicksand, Lassie, instead of racing back to
the farmhouse to get help, would have helpfully licked Timmy on the face
until he disappeared, at which point Lassie, having done all she could
for him, would have resumed licking herself. So anyway, when Cleopatra
decided to help out, she naturally also became stuck in the glue.
But again, luck was on Anne’s side, because also at home were her two
daughters, ages 9 and 10, who, realizing that the situation was no
joking matter, immediately, in the words of the Capital article, ‘began
laughing hysterically.” Eventually, with their help, Anne got unstuck
from the floor and was able to lay the tile. But she still had glue all
over herself. So, according to the Capital article, “’she called a glue
emergency hotline, but no one answered.” I don’t know about you, but
that sentence disturbs me. I think somebody should check on the
glue-emergency-hotline staff. I picture an office reeking of glue fumes,
with whacked-out workers permanently bonded to floors, walls, ceilings,
each other, etc.
But getting back to Anne: Still trying to solve her personal glue
problem, she called a tile contractor. During this conversation, the
glue on her body hardened, such that (1) her right foot became stuck to
the floor, (2) her legs became stuck together, (3) her body became stuck
to a chair, and (4) her hand became stuck to the phone.
”I had to dial 911 with my nose,” she is quoted as saying. When the
rescue personnel arrived, they found Anne still stuck. Perhaps this is a
good time in our story to bring up the fact that she had been working
in, and was still wearing, only her underwear. Fortunately, the rescue
crews were serious, competent, highly trained professionals, and thus,
to again quote the Capital article, they “laughed until they cried.”
Once they recovered, the rescue crews were able to free Anne by
following the standard procedure for this type of situation: licking her
face. No, seriously, they freed her with solvents, and everything was
fine. Anne got her new floor and saved herself $700, which I am sure
more than makes up for suffering enough humiliation to last four or five
lifetimes.
So the bottom line, homeowners, is this: Don’t be afraid to tackle that
tile job! Just be sure to have a dog handy, and always remember the No.
1 rule of tile-installation professionals: Wear clean underwear.
Gary
"With enough time and money I can do anything"
tile her kitchen floor, as reported in an excellent front-page newspaper
article written by Eric Collins for the Sept. 26 issue of the Annapolis,
Md., Capital. According to this article, the woman, who wanted to be
identified only as “Anne” for reasons that will become clear, decided to
surprise her fiancé by tiling her kitchen floor herself, thus saving the $700
a so-called “expert” would have charged for the job.
Step One, of course, was for Anne to spread powerful glue on the floor,
so the tiles would be bonded firmly in place. Anne then proceeded to
Step Two, which—as you have probably already guessed—was to slip
and fall face-first into the glue coat she created in Step One, thus
bonding herself to the floor like a gum wad on a hot sidewalk.
Fortunately, Anne was not alone. Also in the house, thank goodness, was
one of the most useful companions a person can ever hope to have: a
small dog. Specifically, it was a Yorkshire Terrier, a breed originally
developed in England to serve as makeup applicators. A full-grown
”Yorkie” is about the size of a standard walnut, although it has more
hair and a smaller brain.
Anne’s dog—named Cleopatra—saw that her owner was in trouble, so
she immediately ran outside and summoned a police officer.
Ha ha! No, seriously, Cleopatra did what all dogs do when their owners
are in trouble: lick the owner’s face. Dogs believe this is the correct
response to every emergency. If Lassie had been a real dog, when little
Timmy was sinking in the quicksand, Lassie, instead of racing back to
the farmhouse to get help, would have helpfully licked Timmy on the face
until he disappeared, at which point Lassie, having done all she could
for him, would have resumed licking herself. So anyway, when Cleopatra
decided to help out, she naturally also became stuck in the glue.
But again, luck was on Anne’s side, because also at home were her two
daughters, ages 9 and 10, who, realizing that the situation was no
joking matter, immediately, in the words of the Capital article, ‘began
laughing hysterically.” Eventually, with their help, Anne got unstuck
from the floor and was able to lay the tile. But she still had glue all
over herself. So, according to the Capital article, “’she called a glue
emergency hotline, but no one answered.” I don’t know about you, but
that sentence disturbs me. I think somebody should check on the
glue-emergency-hotline staff. I picture an office reeking of glue fumes,
with whacked-out workers permanently bonded to floors, walls, ceilings,
each other, etc.
But getting back to Anne: Still trying to solve her personal glue
problem, she called a tile contractor. During this conversation, the
glue on her body hardened, such that (1) her right foot became stuck to
the floor, (2) her legs became stuck together, (3) her body became stuck
to a chair, and (4) her hand became stuck to the phone.
”I had to dial 911 with my nose,” she is quoted as saying. When the
rescue personnel arrived, they found Anne still stuck. Perhaps this is a
good time in our story to bring up the fact that she had been working
in, and was still wearing, only her underwear. Fortunately, the rescue
crews were serious, competent, highly trained professionals, and thus,
to again quote the Capital article, they “laughed until they cried.”
Once they recovered, the rescue crews were able to free Anne by
following the standard procedure for this type of situation: licking her
face. No, seriously, they freed her with solvents, and everything was
fine. Anne got her new floor and saved herself $700, which I am sure
more than makes up for suffering enough humiliation to last four or five
lifetimes.
So the bottom line, homeowners, is this: Don’t be afraid to tackle that
tile job! Just be sure to have a dog handy, and always remember the No.
1 rule of tile-installation professionals: Wear clean underwear.
Gary
"With enough time and money I can do anything"