By
Sean M. Pratz
Those slope-headed
maroons who use hand tools, who dream about sharpening blades,
who go out of their way to find OLD tools that often don't
work just annoy me. So here I've compiled a list of reasons
why power tools are better than hand tools.
--
Power tool users have a definite advantage over those neanderthals
this time of the year. During the winter they can't work
outside without freezing. But WE! WE get to work outside,
because those nifty hearing protectors double as toasty
earmuffs.
--
With their obsession about "shavings," most hand tool users
don't realize that sawdust serves a very useful purpose.
We can fill nailholes with it when mixed with glue.
--
I used a panel saw once. And my girlfriend NEVER asked to
lean against the handle while I was sawing so she could
feel the vibrations.
--
Due to their lack of high speed cutting action, hand tools
will never bring back a rush of happy memories of campfire
smoke brought about by the wood nearing it's point of ignition.
MY wood smokes like a bugger when I use the wrong blade
in my table saw.
--
They talk and talk about something called "creepy-sharp"...
or something like that. They actually spend hours at a time
sharpening a $20 blade. Well, I'll tell you, my thickness
planer's $1400 blades only need replacing every three years!
--
Little cuts become infected because you don't notice them
for a while. But when I lost my arm up to the elbow in the
thickness planer, dammit, I KNEW I was cut pretty badly
and sought medical attention immediately. Not a whiff of
infection from that one, boyo!
--
I can completely remove all traces of personality from a
hunk of wood in only minutes! Those stoop-shouldered neanderthals
don't even try.
--
What the hell is this thing they have about shiny wood?
"When I plane my wood with my #X bench plane and finish
the job with a scraper, the wood practically gleams!" BAH!
Wood's not supposed to gleam, you neo-nature-freaks. Have
you ever seen a tree that glowed? Let me tell you, all the
trees in MY yard have a thick, corky bark that practically
eats light, not reflects it! That's why I love sandpaper.
A dull finish is the sign of a sharp mind.
--
Those knuckle-dragging mountain boys go on and on about
the Old Ways of woodworking. They don't know the first thing
about it. Why, I walked into this galoot's shop one day
and he actually had the RADIO going! Ha ha ha ha! In MY
shop, the tools are so loud I don't even bother playing
the radio. Ah, the blessed silence.
--
By the way, when I breathe all that sawdust in through my
nose, I don't even need to add glue to the ready-made mixture
I pick out of my nasal passages in order to make wood filler.
And it takes stain well.
--
I've discovered that the high-pitched whining noise my router
makes is the mosquito equivalent of "don't bother, there's
no blood here." And they STAY away, even though there's
plenty of blood pooling beneath the router table.
--
If you're careful, the "shave the hair off your forearm"
test works just as well when testing the sharpness of a
14" table saw blade as for a Stanley plane.
--
All the pictures of old-time woodworkers I've ever seen
show them as weathered-looking and slim or skinny. This
is presumably because of the workout they get from lifting
a #8. Skinny wimps! All the *real woodworkers I know out
there, the POWER USERS, have a good healthy pot on 'em.
And because we work faster, we have more time for beer.
--
We power tool users have more impressive scary stories to
tell women and children than those hairy-knuckled Stanley-fanatics.
Why, *I* once saw a man disemboweled by a 2x4 when his table
saw kicked back on him. Has ANYONE ever seen a board kick
back out of a Disston? Wimps.
--
$250 for a freaking BENCH PLANE?! Why, when I spend $800
for a tool, I can expect it to run for over 15 years!
--
Why spend time freaky-sharpening (?) a blade when you can
save time and be more productive paying someone twenty bucks
to do it for you? And you'll get it back within a week,
too.
--
My $150 kerf-spreader accessory for the table saw will last
me as long as the saw. Those cheap wooden wedges the neanderthals
use don't last nearly as long, and they get lost.
--
My 10,000 sq. foot shop has all my tools plugged in and
ready to use at a moment's notice and only a 50 foot walk.
The neanderthal's 400 sq. foot shop has everything hidden
away in drawers and cabinets.
--
Because I dare not let children and animals into the shop,
I get to work without distraction. A galoot must contend
with playing children, mewling kittens, and singing birds
ALL DAY LONG. Yuck.
--
Those of us who haven't been maimed in freak band-saw accidents
have bigger pen*s*s.
Sean
Pratz
